Seven Roles

I wrote this post a few weeks ago, but am only just feeling brave enough to publish it. Hopefully this is progress. Next step: tell someone about this blog so that other people can read it. No, not brave enough yet.

The Seven Roles

From week to week, day to day, and even hour to hour, I feel like a different person. I ride waves of confidence one moment and then feel awkward and shy the next. Calm, contented feelings are replaced by stress and anxiety in a matter of minutes. Sometimes I feel loved and supported, surrounded by a thick phalanx of friends and never-ending social possibilities. But then a few unanswered emails later, I am convinced my friends have deserted me, that I have let them down in some way. Other transitions happen more slowly. From feeling like the luckiest girl in the world one week, the following week I feel let down. Sometimes I feel wise and world-weary: other times optimistic and excited. Sometimes I feel clever and sharp-witted, other times shallow, self-centred and ignorant.

These fluctuating feelings are tiring! They create a tension in my mind and soul which manifests itself in my body.

I think that they are related to all the different roles I play in my life. “Play” is the wrong word: these are all the roles I am living.

Employee
Manager
Daughter/Grandaughter
Sister/Cousin
Girlfriend
Friend
Housemate

I noted these down in no particular order. Perhaps I wrote “employee” first because I am writing this at work, and even as I do so I am feeling like a “bad” employee. I am also a “bad manager”, since I am not setting a good example to those I manage, engaged in personal creative writing rather than work. NOT writing this blog entry, and instead working hard, would no doubt make me feel like a better employee and manager… but I did work hard this morning and, besides, I am writing in quest of self-discovery, happiness and fulfilment, and I’m sure that will make me a better co-worker too.

Daughter. I think this came next because I have just spent 15 minutes on the phone to my mum (see? personal calls in work time = v. bad employee), arranging for my parents to come up and do some DIY jobs around my flat at the weekend. Since owning my own flat, which should be the ultimate sign of independence and maturity, I have never felt more strongly like a daughter. My parents have been an invaluable source of help and support, but I feel guilty for all this help. A “bad” daughter, abusing her parents’ kindness.

Well I won’t bore you with how I fail in the other roles. But suffice to say I struggle. And then I feel BAD. I think GUILT is actually a huge negative force in my life. So that’s something I am going to read up about and I will come back to you if I make any life-changing discoveries on the subject.

I enjoy reading Penelope Trunk’s blog immensely.

Despite its title, Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist, which, if anything, would put me off reading it if I hadn’t already read articles written by her, it includes her musings on a wide variety of subjects, not just about working life. She is thoughtful, well-read, brave and intelligent, and she helps reassure me that we all struggle to succeed in all the various roles we play/live in our lives. You should read it.